“I think I’ll take this moment to say goodbye to you. I now have a fabulous (as the gays put it) grandson to raise,
and I don’t have time for a heartless (expletive deleted) of a daughter.”
So said a father to his grown daughter in a letter that’s just gone viral. The story goes that a mother rejected her son who confessed to being homosexual, throwing him out of the house. When her father found out how she’d treated his grandson, he in turn disowned her, referring to her as “heartless”, “homophobic” and “unnatural.” (You can find the full story here: http://www.upi.com/blog/2013/10/03/Father-disowns-daughter-for-rejecting-her-gay-son-Read-the-viral-letter/6591380848948/)
OK, before voting pro or con here, let’s remember that the facts simply aren’t in. We don’t know who this family is (as of this writing they’re unidentified) and the letter was forwarded by a third party to another third party for publication, so the details are sketchy and not publicly verified. We don’t know if the son in question is an adult or minor, nor do we know if the mother threw him out strictly because of his sexuality, or if they disagreed on other points as well. For that matter, we don’t even know if the story is fact or fiction.
We do know, or should know, that to reject (much less expel) a child simply because he has admitted to being gay is cruel and, as the grandfather says, a wholly unnatural thing for a mother to do. (Not to mention illegal if the son in question is a minor.) But I‘ve seen enough of these family situations to know the truth is often obscured by the emotional fog. Sometimes a son or daughter “comes out” to the family and the family disapproves, their disapproval being translated as rejection. They’re by no means throwing the child out or expelling her/him from the family, but the story is often reported, either by the child or others, as a case of family rejection when it was, in fact, family disapproval. Yes, there’s a difference. No, it’s not minor.
Still, giving the author of the letter the benefit of the doubt, it stands to reason that a grandfather would be outraged over his daughter’s rejection of her son. If the story as reported is true, he was right to castigate her; wrong to retaliate by rejecting her. Families cutting each other up and calling it “principled” are, to my thinking, acting more on delusion than morality. Two rejections don’t make a right.
Anyway, this episode gone viral is still playing out, and with time we may know more of the facts. But at this point it raises an old and still very relevant question: Is it possible for a family to love their gay or lesbian offspring while not condoning homosexuality itself? When someone says “Mom and Dad, I’m gay”, are Mom and Dad really forced into a choice between approval or rejection, celebration or hatred?
I don’t think so. Those of us who still view the Bible as authoritative, and who also view that authoritative document as condemning any sexual expression apart from monogamous, heterosexual union, are able (and mandated) to love freely without approving. And to likewise disapprove while not witholding love and respect. To say heterosexuals are better people than homosexuals is indeed to be prejudiced (Anyone whose known openly gay and lesbian people will verify that plenty of them make better neighbors, friends, and fellow citizens than plenty of heterosexuals do!) So a Biblically informed view of homosexuality hardly forces contempt for homosexual people.
Just one of many parallels: To this day Spencer Tracy remains my favorite actor. He loved the actress Katherine Hepburn, their relationship being the stuff of Hollywood legend. And he was married, so his union with Hepburn was adulterous. They were wrong, and they were terrific; they were in adultery, and they loved each other. None of these facts cancel out the other, so one can value them as people while disapproving morally of their relationship, just as one can consider their relationship wrong while acknowledging they loved each other deeply. A moral position against something does not negate the worth and authenticity of the people involved, nor do their worth and authenticity negate the moral position. Not everything is a “but.” Often, as in this case, it’s an “and.”
Which is pretty much what John said about Jesus in his gospel – that He was full of grace AND truth. (John 1:14) Showing grace need never require a compromise of truth, nor does truth call for negating grace. Somewhere in the truly Christ-like middle exists that wonderful tension in which grace and truth co-exist, never silencing but in fact enhancing each other. And living in both of them poses, to my thinking one of the greatest challenges modern Christians face.
So God help us walk as He walked, this weekend and always, refusing to compromise conviction or compassion, unapologetic about either and bold to express and extend both.
Have a great weekend.
Love,
Joe
For more info on help for family members, see my book, When Homosexuality Hits Home
